When premenstrual tension kick-starts anxiety and depression

I’ve been particularly angry today for no reason.

I put it down to PMT, premenstrual tension.

Something men with depression and anxiety don’t have to deal with. How lovely for them.

Anyway, I was speaking to my mother about having a heart to heart with my cousin, who is just a few months younger than me, and who left work because life got too difficult for her.

Well, I compared her situation to mine, and my mother said: “well, she’s worse than you”

I just thought, well there you have it. Yeah, she’s worse than me, because while she has taken two years off work and stressful life events, I’ve hauled myself back into the office after 11 weeks because we have no money. And I make myself run errands, like shop for food.

But yeah, she’s worse than me, because while she may have contemplated suicide, I think about it every day. And I am seriously considering it.

But yeah, she’s worse than me, because whilst she might have had a good childhood, I spent my years anxious out of my brain.

But she’s worse than me. I don’t want to work tomorrow. I don’t feel like I can face it. I cant face the stresses of work, the responsibilities, the difficulty in getting up in the morning. The difficulty of spending hours of your life holed up in an office. Either that, or hours of your life doing fuck all inside your house. Good choices.

I don’t want to see anyone. I don’t even want to leave my room at this point. My PMT just comes into my life and says, hey remember that depression and anxiety your trying to fight every day of your fucking life and you’ve been doing okay going to and from work and with life in general? Yeah well, here’s a bit of a kick-start. HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES!?

So, I think I’m just gonna fuck it and not go to work. Whatever, she’s worse than me.

Rejection is a bitch

After having gone through the stages of grief; in my opinion – denial, shock, distress, anger, sadness, acceptance, I’ve now come to the point where I am looking to rejoin the land of the living.

I won’t lie to you. Financial pressure is one of the reason I am considering this.

I’ve taken two months off work so far. But I still feel like I am not ready to go back to work. I am still largely unable to function properly. I can’t complete simple tasks, even at home in my personal life.

I was feeling okay recently, and applying to a couple of jobs – when I received a rejection for a role I was particularly interested in. Needless to say, rejection is a bitch to deal with, and so it has sent me on a downer.

It’s made me feel like I need to claw back desperately to cling onto anything this world is offering me to feel like I am worth something. That I am not just left red-faced on the back of the humiliation of rejection.

Now, I am wondering whether to beg for my old job back. The one I just couldn’t face day to day. Is it really the answer to push yourself back into doing something you know is not making you happy out of necessity?

The job was fine though. It is just difficult. And I am trying to avoid anything difficult in my life right now. That’s funny; seeing as all I’ve ever done is make my own life difficult because I’ve never felt like I am good enough.

And here comes the crux of the matter. It is purely BECAUSE I feel like I am not good enough, that it costs me A LOT of mental energy to participate in society. This is why I am finding life (and working) difficult. And that COST is what is killing me. It’s what is making me tired. It’s why I needed a rest.

So – I may go back to work very soon. But at what cost? If I go back and I am not ready, will I just fall again? How long do I wait, till my debts and my finances are at such a stretch that everything begins to fall apart?

We all live our lives like zombies – to pay the bills. Right? That’s what it boils down to.

So who am I? What is the point of me? Do I work to live, or live to work?

 

 

 

 

I always want to be raw and honest about my struggles in this blog. This is what it is for.

My anonymity is what is keeping this blog in the public domain.

But I am wondering whether to join the battle in exposing taboos around mental illness by making Youtube vlogs. I will be considering this.

My feelings will kill me one day

Today I woke up, feeling slightly better than last night; where I tried to take a knife with a serrated edge to my arm and draw blood.

I didn’t fortunately, but I have a weird scratch from where I drew the knife along my bare skin.

I’d spent most of the day feeling terrible. And the question of what to do with my life hung above me all day, like a very big, very heavy, rain soaked dark grey cloud.

I spent the day off sick watching movies and feeling uncomfortable though I was lying on the sofa. Then, my mother said something along the lines of “You’re lucky your brother doesn’t ask you to pay your way” and then I got angry.

I reminded her that I have just got back into work after a year studying. This came hours after she told me it’s okay to resign if I’m suffering THIS much.

So last night, I rocked back on forth on my bed, and repeated all of the nasty things the people who were meant to be close to me over the years said.

Anyway, I went to sleep, had a dream about my ex, and woke up this morning feeling equally as rubbish. And then I checked my email, and suddenly decided to go back to work.

I rang to tell them I should be in tomorrow and then I rang my bank to sort out a spiraling debt.

This anxiety is ripping me apart. Depression is it’s best friend, and eggs it on.

But, I’m a stubborn person, and I won’t let myself give up. Because I know that, that dark bottomless pit of self loathing and no hope is waiting for me. And once I’m in it, it will be very hard to come out. And I see a rope, or a bridge in my future if I take that path.

So I take the harder path. I do the brave thing and I get up in the morning, do my job, and come home only to watch the clock counting down the hours to the next day. But doing nothing at home would be equally as excruciating.

This is currently my resolve. This is the inner strength that comes out from time to time to tell me to pull my socks up. Nobody does it but me. And on weekends when I have some time off, I spend the day time watching. Desperate not to force myself to face my overwhelming feelings that will kill me one day.

And they WILL…kill me one day.

But for now my battle with anxiety continues.

 

 

I’d rather have cancer than suffer from anxiety…what a terrible but brutally honest thing to say

At least with cancer, there is an end result. Survive. Or die. With anxiety, there is no relief.

I called someone at work (my job), (after some moments gearing myself up to call) and told them I won’t be in today as I am not feeling very well.

I’ve been suffering from abdominal pains, and it’s probably because of my anxiety.

Guess what I’ve been doing the last three weeks? Since my last blog about leaving work?

I tried to ‘get my shit together’ and go back to work. I can only tell you that right now I am a former shell of myself.

I am exhausted. My head feels full to bursting. My anxiety is overwhelming.

And I’ve been thinking about hanging myself in all honesty.

I made a decision to leave work. And then I berated myself and I didn’t.

And I’ve spent all weekend, absolutely tortured. Going from tears to anger. And cancelling plans to go out for dessert and a movie at the cinema, because my depression told me I’m a worthless piece of shit, and my anxiety confirmed it. All because work is part of my life, and life and everything in it is overwhelming right now.

I was never one to admit I suffered from these things. Depression. Anxiety. But the truth is I do. And I don’t take medication for it, or receive counselling or therapy. (That’s because I believe these things don’t help, and the stigma attached to them will destroy your life better than mental health can – but that’s another blog).

And it’s so hard, when your mental health starts to affect your physical health.

I have pushed myself all of the time, and I don’t even know if I am going to follow through and leave my job and take time off like I said I would. A few years ago, I was going to take a sabbatical. I didn’t. Now I am a graduate in Masters level degree. No time off. Then I went straight into a stressful job. No time off.

All i know is today I had to call in sick. Because my mind just wont shut off.

I couldn’t sleep properly. I keep waking up. And when I managed to get to sleep last night I had a dream I lost most of my hair. I could see part my bald head. Then I had a dream I was stuck on top of a very large cliff. And I had to find a way to get down.

These dreams tell me I’m not happy. Well, of course I’m not. But I tried you know? I tried to be normal and go out and work and do all the things people do.

When I’ve tried to talk to people close to me, they tell me; just push past it. Or, don’t be a quitter… It makes me so angry that even to this day people don’t understand this isn’t about being lazy, or stressed out, or tired. It’s about a debilitating illness. Like cancer, except it’s invisible. I don’t know, sometimes I think cancer would be easier to handle. How sad is this thought?

I might go back to work tomorrow. I might not. Sitting at home doesn’t help either.

I’m stuck in a vicious cycle. Hell, I think it’s called. I’m in hell.

 

I had to quit my dream job because of anxiety

So, mental illness is ruining my life once again.

I’m on edge all of the time. My skin is literally crawling with this edginess like spiders.

I feel terrible because I’ve had to quit an amazing job, an amazing opportunity all because I’m too ill.

The job is great. But my mind isn’t.

Here is what’s happening.

I began working and it was fantastic. But I was overwhelmed. And the stress and anxiety was soon starting to show in my face. I felt physically exhausted. I am in pain – I may have a stomach ulcer from the stress. I began to get blood in my stools. I couldn’t sleep. I’d cry all day on a Sunday. And every other day I felt like I had to keep up a facade.

I needed to take time off. So I ran away. I emailed and left. After a short period of time.

Thankfully, they understand. And want me to reconsider.

I’ve said I am not well and hopefully I can reapply once I’m well again. I am unsure how long that will be. Currently I don’t know what their response will be, but at least my relationship with them hasn’t been destroyed. That’s the most important thing right now regarding my professional life. So I can leave it on a shelf with my reputation intact to pick up later when I am well again.

Sadly, they most likely assume it is physical illness. Because mental illness is still very much a taboo subject. A lot of people think you’re just being lazy, or not trying hard enough. But if mental illness was a physical illness, they’d understand right? Cos they’d see the big black tumor crawling up my brain.

So sometimes sadly it’s unfortunate but you must play it that way. Besides, this pain in my abdomen is worrying me. I do believe it’s either crohn’s disease, a stomach ulcer or maybe even a cancer. I don’t know, I should go get it checked out. But right now I don’t want to know. I don’t have to energy to worry about stuff. I’m just resting.

So. There you have it.

I’ve been suffering from anxiety all my life and I’ve pushed myself to do things. For years it’s been non-stop. Now, I finally had to say stop. No more. And sadly I had to drop an amazing opportunity because I just cant continue anymore. I NEED THE REST.

The rest includes other areas of my life. Rest from relationships; dating and friends. Rest from watching the news. Rest from talking too much to family members. Rest from going outside. Rest from people and crowds.

It’s a kind of retreat in a way. Retreating from the world to my shell for a short while. The shell i worked very hard to get out of. Like my exposed body has been taking too much of a battering recently so I have to go inside the shell to recuperate and heal. And when I come out in a few weeks I’ll have a tougher skin.

I had to do it now before I burned out.

And I feel terrible for it yes. But soon the benefits of eating better, exercising, taking long walks and sleeping in, writing stories, with ZERO stress in my life, will start to show. A few weeks of no money is a decent price to pay for my health. My bills get paid by my family, so while I am lucky in this sense I will take the time now, before I crash and burn.

Just a few weeks ago I was planning my suicide. I searched for viable bridges to jump from. I selected one. I planned the journey. If I don’t stop now, I will probably die.

So I’ve had to take this drastic action. I’ve called up my banks and said that I will pay them back very soon, but for now I’m sorry, I just can’t.

I’ve turned off all of my social media accounts and have had my phone in airplane mode for the last 24 hours.

I’m feeling on edge because of this whole awful business with me having to run away from a great job and lovely people. But I’m glad they responded kindly. Now I can just forget everything and relax. Maybe watch some Columbo.