So, mental illness is ruining my life once again.
I’m on edge all of the time. My skin is literally crawling with this edginess like spiders.
I feel terrible because I’ve had to quit an amazing job, an amazing opportunity all because I’m too ill.
The job is great. But my mind isn’t.
Here is what’s happening.
I began working and it was fantastic. But I was overwhelmed. And the stress and anxiety was soon starting to show in my face. I felt physically exhausted. I am in pain – I may have a stomach ulcer from the stress. I began to get blood in my stools. I couldn’t sleep. I’d cry all day on a Sunday. And every other day I felt like I had to keep up a facade.
I needed to take time off. So I ran away. I emailed and left. After a short period of time.
Thankfully, they understand. And want me to reconsider.
I’ve said I am not well and hopefully I can reapply once I’m well again. I am unsure how long that will be. Currently I don’t know what their response will be, but at least my relationship with them hasn’t been destroyed. That’s the most important thing right now regarding my professional life. So I can leave it on a shelf with my reputation intact to pick up later when I am well again.
Sadly, they most likely assume it is physical illness. Because mental illness is still very much a taboo subject. A lot of people think you’re just being lazy, or not trying hard enough. But if mental illness was a physical illness, they’d understand right? Cos they’d see the big black tumor crawling up my brain.
So sometimes sadly it’s unfortunate but you must play it that way. Besides, this pain in my abdomen is worrying me. I do believe it’s either crohn’s disease, a stomach ulcer or maybe even a cancer. I don’t know, I should go get it checked out. But right now I don’t want to know. I don’t have to energy to worry about stuff. I’m just resting.
So. There you have it.
I’ve been suffering from anxiety all my life and I’ve pushed myself to do things. For years it’s been non-stop. Now, I finally had to say stop. No more. And sadly I had to drop an amazing opportunity because I just cant continue anymore. I NEED THE REST.
The rest includes other areas of my life. Rest from relationships; dating and friends. Rest from watching the news. Rest from talking too much to family members. Rest from going outside. Rest from people and crowds.
It’s a kind of retreat in a way. Retreating from the world to my shell for a short while. The shell i worked very hard to get out of. Like my exposed body has been taking too much of a battering recently so I have to go inside the shell to recuperate and heal. And when I come out in a few weeks I’ll have a tougher skin.
I had to do it now before I burned out.
And I feel terrible for it yes. But soon the benefits of eating better, exercising, taking long walks and sleeping in, writing stories, with ZERO stress in my life, will start to show. A few weeks of no money is a decent price to pay for my health. My bills get paid by my family, so while I am lucky in this sense I will take the time now, before I crash and burn.
Just a few weeks ago I was planning my suicide. I searched for viable bridges to jump from. I selected one. I planned the journey. If I don’t stop now, I will probably die.
So I’ve had to take this drastic action. I’ve called up my banks and said that I will pay them back very soon, but for now I’m sorry, I just can’t.
I’ve turned off all of my social media accounts and have had my phone in airplane mode for the last 24 hours.
I’m feeling on edge because of this whole awful business with me having to run away from a great job and lovely people. But I’m glad they responded kindly. Now I can just forget everything and relax. Maybe watch some Columbo.