As someone considering suicide, here is what people should know

I don’t want to feel this way.

I feel pity for myself. I feel sorry.

All I do is eat, cry, sleep and repeat. Sometimes I’ll occupy myself. I love running and I can’t even run properly because I’m always crying. It kinda makes it hard to breathe.

I’m so tired of this life. It sounds like such a cliche, but it’s true.

You know what I think about as I lie here and cry myself to an early grave?

That maybe, just maybe someone will come to save me. But it never happens.

I keep thinking about the previous men in my life. The ones who were supposed to love me. And I keep wondering whether they feel any remorse for hurting me.

The worst thing is I don’t want to feel this way. I want to be normal and get on with my life. But, since I’ve been suffering with severe depression and anxiety since I was a child, with no help whatsoever, I feel so tired now it’s like I can’t even contemplate a normal life.

The simple truth is, I feel so lost. And so lonely. And I don’t know whether I want to live or die. I guess I’m at the cusp of deciding.

I truly feel like I don’t belong in this world. Or maybe I do. Recently I came to realise there is one other option for me, as a way out of this desperate torment.

I cannot speak of it, but I am seriously considering it.

As someone who is right now seriously considering suicide; here is what the world should know.

Nothing will stop me from doing so. Nothing anyone says, or does, will stop me once I’ve made up my mind. I guess, I’m not so sure yet. But my life is empty. And no one is to blame for that. Taking ones own life is the most unselfish thing to do. Take it from someone who is hesitating to knock on death’s door.

 

The guilt that stops me from resting

I made a decision recently to leave work. To quit my job because I need a break from the world for a while.

Due to anxiety and depression. And every other overwhelming bad feeling under the sun.

But I feel way too much guilt to do this.

Leaving my family to bear the financial burden.

I’m stuck in this infernal loop of ‘do I go back, do I not’.

See, it’s hard because it doesn’t feel like I’m doing the right thing.

It’s like I’m copping out. It’s like I’m just being lazy. Just giving up.

Putting the fact that I’m losing an opportunity aside, leaves me with the sense that I’m giving up. Not on just me, but on my family.

Every minute detail about the situation is killing me. I overthink to the point I exhaust myself.

When and if I leave the last thing I want to feel is like a failure.

I worked so hard through my anxiety to bring my levels of self- esteem and confidence up.

I’ve just had enough. I don’t want to do it anymore.

But if I leave work for good, I’ll be even more depressed. And if I stay, I’ll be on my way to a mental breakdown. I don’t know what to do.

Dealing with guilt – Living with anxiety

It seems to be a common theme.

Be brave. Think about your actions. Feel guilty.

Guilt is one of the harshest feelings. It makes you feel sorry for the bad things you may have done to other living beings. But what if the guilt you feel is a side-effect of anxiety?

It’s not hard to imagine feeling guilty for not helping the homeless old man sat outside of London’s Kings Cross Station, with all of the possessions he owns in the world in plastic bags from Aldi. And the guilt one feels for probably feeling worse than him. Angry at the world, though I have a home.

My anxiety makes me overthink. I ponder over every detail, and I try to think about the world in its entirety. Everything that’s right with it and everything that isn’t.

I feel guilty that I am angry, sad and everything in between. I feel guilt when my emotions erupt and I snap at the nice man at the ticket barriers because he can’t tell me which platform my train is on.

I feel guilt when I expect the world to pat me on the back if I succeed in something. And I feel guilt when it doesn’t care.

Living with anxiety is terrible, but it’s even worse when one feels guilty – all. Of. The. Time.