At least with cancer, there is an end result. Survive. Or die. With anxiety, there is no relief.
I called someone at work (my job), (after some moments gearing myself up to call) and told them I won’t be in today as I am not feeling very well.
I’ve been suffering from abdominal pains, and it’s probably because of my anxiety.
Guess what I’ve been doing the last three weeks? Since my last blog about leaving work?
I tried to ‘get my shit together’ and go back to work. I can only tell you that right now I am a former shell of myself.
I am exhausted. My head feels full to bursting. My anxiety is overwhelming.
And I’ve been thinking about hanging myself in all honesty.
I made a decision to leave work. And then I berated myself and I didn’t.
And I’ve spent all weekend, absolutely tortured. Going from tears to anger. And cancelling plans to go out for dessert and a movie at the cinema, because my depression told me I’m a worthless piece of shit, and my anxiety confirmed it. All because work is part of my life, and life and everything in it is overwhelming right now.
I was never one to admit I suffered from these things. Depression. Anxiety. But the truth is I do. And I don’t take medication for it, or receive counselling or therapy. (That’s because I believe these things don’t help, and the stigma attached to them will destroy your life better than mental health can – but that’s another blog).
And it’s so hard, when your mental health starts to affect your physical health.
I have pushed myself all of the time, and I don’t even know if I am going to follow through and leave my job and take time off like I said I would. A few years ago, I was going to take a sabbatical. I didn’t. Now I am a graduate in Masters level degree. No time off. Then I went straight into a stressful job. No time off.
All i know is today I had to call in sick. Because my mind just wont shut off.
I couldn’t sleep properly. I keep waking up. And when I managed to get to sleep last night I had a dream I lost most of my hair. I could see part my bald head. Then I had a dream I was stuck on top of a very large cliff. And I had to find a way to get down.
These dreams tell me I’m not happy. Well, of course I’m not. But I tried you know? I tried to be normal and go out and work and do all the things people do.
When I’ve tried to talk to people close to me, they tell me; just push past it. Or, don’t be a quitter… It makes me so angry that even to this day people don’t understand this isn’t about being lazy, or stressed out, or tired. It’s about a debilitating illness. Like cancer, except it’s invisible. I don’t know, sometimes I think cancer would be easier to handle. How sad is this thought?
I might go back to work tomorrow. I might not. Sitting at home doesn’t help either.
I’m stuck in a vicious cycle. Hell, I think it’s called. I’m in hell.