Everything in the world is waiting for you for when you’re better

Yesterday, I could barely move.

I spent the day worrying about going into work the next. And I tried to forget by watching films, eating bad food and being incredibly uncomfortable in my own skin.

And then my mother, who is the only one in the world who cares about me more than herself, said: “Why don’t you just leave? You’re making yourself ill.”

My eyes lit up for the first time in twenty-four hours. I thought about it.

“I won’t let myself quit. Because I’d feel like a failure.”

She sighed, open mouthed.

“It’s not failure. Just stay at home and rest.”

I’m glad I have a supportive mother, somewhat at least. Sometimes she will say things that people with mental illnesses do not want to hear. But yesterday she supported me.

With that, I began to think that I could not live my life as a zombie. That I needed to stop before it killed me.

And so, I asked myself for permission to take some time off from working a job. Do nothing for two or three months.

And today, I have woken up to feelings of guilt, but equally feelings of resolve, that I can finally quit my job, and quit the outside world for a while. And just write. I find writing therapeutic.

I haven’t actually had any time off. I’ve been either in education or working all of my life.

And now, in my 30’s, I think the time has come. Because I just can’t keep up anymore. My health is suffering.

As you may know, I’m quitting my dream job that I worked so hard to get, to rest. So, I’ve battled through the dark, thick smoke that is my doubt and feelings of guilt and quitting.

It’s becoming a bit clearer now, and finally I can say stop.

I made this decision a few weeks ago, then I went back to work. Then I was off sick again, then I said I’d go back to work. Now, this is my final decision.

And yes I worry about what people will think of me. But they have not lived with crippling severe anxiety since they were children, have they?

Self-care is the most important thing. And if you can, take the chance and take some time to yourself. In our society, we forget to rest. We are always on the go. We need the career, we need the house, we need money, we need friends, we need the spouse, we need children. NEVER COMPARE YOURSELF.

What you are going through is different to others. Just because that friend or relative of yours, who is younger, has a better career than you, or is married, doesn’t mean you failed.

If you’re feeling like you need to stop or else you’ll drop dead, then stop. Too many times we see people burning out.

Well, the way I feel I think I have burnt out… but, well I guess it’s either rest or commit suicide.

Everything in the world is waiting for you for when you’re better. Don’t believe that you have to GO GO GO all of the time. Even early-man slept through the day, when the sun was at its highest. They didn’t work themselves to death. Why should we?

 

I had to quit my dream job because of anxiety

So, mental illness is ruining my life once again.

I’m on edge all of the time. My skin is literally crawling with this edginess like spiders.

I feel terrible because I’ve had to quit an amazing job, an amazing opportunity all because I’m too ill.

The job is great. But my mind isn’t.

Here is what’s happening.

I began working and it was fantastic. But I was overwhelmed. And the stress and anxiety was soon starting to show in my face. I felt physically exhausted. I am in pain – I may have a stomach ulcer from the stress. I began to get blood in my stools. I couldn’t sleep. I’d cry all day on a Sunday. And every other day I felt like I had to keep up a facade.

I needed to take time off. So I ran away. I emailed and left. After a short period of time.

Thankfully, they understand. And want me to reconsider.

I’ve said I am not well and hopefully I can reapply once I’m well again. I am unsure how long that will be. Currently I don’t know what their response will be, but at least my relationship with them hasn’t been destroyed. That’s the most important thing right now regarding my professional life. So I can leave it on a shelf with my reputation intact to pick up later when I am well again.

Sadly, they most likely assume it is physical illness. Because mental illness is still very much a taboo subject. A lot of people think you’re just being lazy, or not trying hard enough. But if mental illness was a physical illness, they’d understand right? Cos they’d see the big black tumor crawling up my brain.

So sometimes sadly it’s unfortunate but you must play it that way. Besides, this pain in my abdomen is worrying me. I do believe it’s either crohn’s disease, a stomach ulcer or maybe even a cancer. I don’t know, I should go get it checked out. But right now I don’t want to know. I don’t have to energy to worry about stuff. I’m just resting.

So. There you have it.

I’ve been suffering from anxiety all my life and I’ve pushed myself to do things. For years it’s been non-stop. Now, I finally had to say stop. No more. And sadly I had to drop an amazing opportunity because I just cant continue anymore. I NEED THE REST.

The rest includes other areas of my life. Rest from relationships; dating and friends. Rest from watching the news. Rest from talking too much to family members. Rest from going outside. Rest from people and crowds.

It’s a kind of retreat in a way. Retreating from the world to my shell for a short while. The shell i worked very hard to get out of. Like my exposed body has been taking too much of a battering recently so I have to go inside the shell to recuperate and heal. And when I come out in a few weeks I’ll have a tougher skin.

I had to do it now before I burned out.

And I feel terrible for it yes. But soon the benefits of eating better, exercising, taking long walks and sleeping in, writing stories, with ZERO stress in my life, will start to show. A few weeks of no money is a decent price to pay for my health. My bills get paid by my family, so while I am lucky in this sense I will take the time now, before I crash and burn.

Just a few weeks ago I was planning my suicide. I searched for viable bridges to jump from. I selected one. I planned the journey. If I don’t stop now, I will probably die.

So I’ve had to take this drastic action. I’ve called up my banks and said that I will pay them back very soon, but for now I’m sorry, I just can’t.

I’ve turned off all of my social media accounts and have had my phone in airplane mode for the last 24 hours.

I’m feeling on edge because of this whole awful business with me having to run away from a great job and lovely people. But I’m glad they responded kindly. Now I can just forget everything and relax. Maybe watch some Columbo.