(Trigger warning: suicide)
I’ve been off work and doing nothing with my life for almost 10 weeks now.
I cry less, but maybe that’s because I feel as though a solution is on the horizon.
And though I’ve tried to rest, I can’t seem to properly, because I am so stressed about money and family all of the time.
My solution seems to be ride or die. All or nothing.
I can either die, or start living again.
I have some serious issues with high-functioning anxiety, depression, burnout, stress and exhaustion.
But, if I go back to work, maybe I’d be too busy to feel any of it.
When I was working I had some sense of purpose. Right now I have none. I feel worthless.
I’m trying to tackle these feelings of worthlessness, but it’s not easy.
I have to be honest with you, killing myself is not the easy way out. It’s incredibly difficult to think about it, and though I have prepared for it, by leaving ways to settle my affairs and working out how I am going to do it, it’s still so hard to do. People who have done this are so brave. I am weak.
So, keeping myself busy in life by working a semi-decent job seems like the next best option. And though my anxiety and my depression is killing me slowly, at least this way I can feel like my life is worth something, than nothing at all.