It’s ride or die… all or nothing

(Trigger warning: suicide)

I’ve been off work and doing nothing with my life for almost 10 weeks now.

I cry less, but maybe that’s because I feel as though a solution is on the horizon.

And though I’ve tried to rest, I can’t seem to properly, because I am so stressed about money and family all of the time.

My solution seems to be ride or die. All or nothing.

I can either die, or start living again.

I have some serious issues with high-functioning anxiety, depression, burnout, stress and exhaustion.

But, if I go back to work, maybe I’d be too busy to feel any of it.

When I was working I had some sense of purpose. Right now I have none. I feel worthless.

I’m trying to tackle these feelings of worthlessness, but it’s not easy.

I have to be honest with you, killing myself is not the easy way out. It’s incredibly difficult to think about it, and though I have prepared for it, by leaving ways to settle my affairs and working out how I am going to do it, it’s still so hard to do. People who have done this are so brave. I am weak.

So, keeping myself busy in life by working a semi-decent job seems like the next best option. And though my anxiety and my depression is killing me slowly, at least this way I can feel like my life is worth something, than nothing at all.

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