Since I was a child, I have given myself cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT).
I have never been particularly interested in jumping on the bandwagon about mental health, and have always fought through my anxiety and depression.
Recently, I quit my dream job, which I had worked so hard to get, because I just couldn’t continue with life anymore. I basically ran out of steam.
Now, I’ve begun to follow people suffering with mental health issues, and also mental health charities via blogs, social media and vlogs.
Never have I felt so alone.
I read posts, and experiences and offers of ‘help’. And it just makes me angry.
I’ve never been taken seriously with my issues. My family don’t really know how to deal with it, and counselling failed me. I have a couple of sessions before I gave up in anger.
The recent ‘therapist’ also put some wild accusations about me, which are stuck in my medical records forever now. I can’t tell you how angry I am.
I have dealt with my issues alone. I have NEVER taken medication. I took Sertraline just once for a few days. I immediately stopped.
I am angry that I have had to live with myself in this way, and I have done EVERYTHING to try and live a normal life. I have pushed, and punished myself continuously. And for what? Now that I’ve crashed and burned, who is here to pick me up?
I have to do it all by myself, and feel tremendous amounts of guilt that I have to quit something I worked so hard for.
The only people supporting me is my immediate family. When people tell you help is out there: it isn’t.
No one fully understands mental health and on top of that there is a stigma that people say they want to shake, but they won’t.
A lot of people deny that mental health is an actual illness. But, I am living proof that I have tried to live a normal life with no help, WITH SEVERE ANXIETY. And even I have got to a point where I’m so exhausted that I can’t even carry my limbs properly.
What help can someone give? Artificial drugs? Give you ‘therapy’ that you’ve already given yourself?
I’ll get up again, dust myself off, and soldier on like I always do, when I’ve had a rest.
But who is to say, that the next time I crash and burn, that someone will be there to look after me that time?
And if I commit suicide, I’m selfish. And if I self-harm, it’s ‘common’. And if I go to the GP, I’m just another candidate for the ‘drug candy’ doctors so carelessly chuck at you.
AND IF I QUIT LIFE FOR A WHILE, which is what I have done now, I’m a quitter. I’m a loser. I’m a nobody. Well, that isn’t true. But it’s how the world makes you feel.
And if I didn’t quit, it’s okay just as long as I pay my tax, and spend my money on useless shit with credit I’ll pay back with difficulty. It doesn’t matter that my brain is slowly turning to mush.
This ‘we care’ bullshit. It isn’t real. So buckle up, soldier. The war is still going on, and this is just one of the battles you’ve lost.