I start my new job next week. And I have overwhelming amounts of anxiety.
To the point I can feel it in my head. It’s as though I could go under the knife and have it surgically removed. That’s how physical it feels. Like a big ball of pressure.
I’m feeling terrible. It’s gotten worse recently. Just really lethargic, slow and sad. Like a lazy zombie. Napping all of the time and hardly able to concentrate.
So, because I’m a writer – that’s what I do for work now, I wrote an article which has received quite a lot of hate recently. I don’t read comments online because my little anxious bastard brain can’t take it.
But that anxiety of the hatred I receive had added to my self doubts.
Today I was cleaning my car – I finally managed to make myself do it – and all of a sudden I just climbed into the boot and played dead. I don’t know why. It would be funny if it wasn’t so tragic!
I tell myself over and over that I’m doing just fine. My work is great. My life is good. I have friends and family around me. I have a new job. It’s pretty cool. So fuck off brain and just accept EVERYTHING IS OKAY. But it won’t. Nah cos beating mental illness isn’t like giving yourself a pep talk before giving a talk. Or taking a sip of Dutch courage.
It’s frankly impossible. So a zombie I am. And there’s no one there to help me. I’m all alone in this. Sometimes I wish I could just die. Stupid lost little fucking bitch.