I started off a few days ago talking about how my crippling anxiety never ceases to destroy my life; yet through the struggle there is always hope.
Although the dark clouds of fear and worthlessness and doubt are constantly with me, and none more so than Mr Anxiety himself; the old, frail man who in his stubbornness fails to leave my side, I am always trying.
And to me, trying is not failing.
I have been through some experiences, good and bad, and there isn’t a day when you don’t feel a bit lost and ashamed of who you are. But failure is not an option when it comes to anxiety. Because if you let it win, you cannot live. And when you stop living that is when true failure sets in.
Everytime you try something; though it may not end well, at least you have tried. That effort, that strength it takes to do something is huge success.
I promised I would impart some more information of how I trained myself out of anxiety in a previous blog.
The willpower it took to dress up, leave the house and hand in CV’s when looking for a job was difficult, but I took advantage of my presence at University to study at undergraduate level. The very fact that I had pushed myself to continue my A-levels, took me to a platform where I felt safe and involved: pretty much like school, except there were no teachers constantly trying to stifle your creativity.
Dont get me wrong, I spent the two years studying my A-levels mostly alone. I would finish class and then go to the library to study. It was there that I read Wuthering Heights for the first time. It gave me life’s simple pleasures, sat in the quiet of a library, surrounded by books full of words that made you dance inside.
In short, it is the little steps you take that are the difference between beating your anxiety and letting it win. And still to do this day I take every step purposefully. Because though we battle with these giants, we have a war to win. And I cannot let myself give up. Because I don’t want to go to that dark place where failure lives.
You are not a failure if you try. So whatever you were thinking of doing: Try. Do.
In my next few few blogs I will explain the physical techniques I used to train myself out of anxiety, and the fear, and work through the sweat and blushing, and shaking, to face the world.